Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Advice #2

In a previous post, I mentioned that I am now willing to give unprofessional, potentially unhelpful advice. As promised (quite some time ago actually but let's pretend I didn't take so long) I have finally come up with some answers to some of your questions. You'll be happy to know these questions are not ones I made up myself this time (though don't rule that out for the future)!

Question #1: Dear Lozzz123, You offered advice. I want advice. I am not near as cool as you and though I know I never will be, I was hoping you might inform me as to how I might earn cool points with you and everyone else in the universe, including the plants and the aliens. Please and thank you, Truly yours, With Utmost Sincerity, Uncool Ursula.

Dear Uncool Ursula: Firstly, I'd like to congratulate you on your politeness and flattery. It's always a fine start to getting in my 'good books'. Secondly, after consulting with both the plants and the aliens (once I took off my foil hat, of course) we came up with some simple tips to be more awesome and earn those coveted cool points. These tips are... 
Hold on a sec. Why should I give these tips away for free when this is clearly a lucrative opportunity? Actually, you can get some of these tips following a down payment of $149.95, and you then have the option of signing up for my extra-special coolness classes for the additional fee of $678.84 (per class). Contact me and I'll give you my bank details for a direct-debit transfer.  

Question #2: Ixy asked (without the Dear Lozzz123 but I'll let it go this time hehe...): Why is the sky only blue on weekdays when I'm inside an office building? Where oh where has my metabolism gone? How many eggs does it take to make a decent omelette (thought I'd give you an easy one there)? 

Dear Ixy, I searched the internets for an answer to the blue sky question, and I believe this answer was the best: 

As for your second question on your missing metabolism, I think I actually saw it go past me at the shops on Sunday. It tried to hide with a fake moustache, but I'm not that easily fooled. With regards to the omelette, I use 3-4 eggs for a 2-serving one (true story). 

Question #3: Dear Lozzz123, I'm stuck in a comment factory. Please give me advice about how to escape. Thanks, Oompa Commenter.

Dear Oompa Commenter: Left, right at the second fountain, hide and wait 3 minutes for the guard to pass, then left, left, straight for 30 metres, right at the roundabout, go over the wooden bridge, knock not once, not twice, but thrice at the green door (woe to the person who knocks at the blue one). Once through it's two rights, and a left. You're welcome. 

I think you'll agree that we are all greatly enriched from all that advice. Feel free to ask for more advice in the comments, or go here and fill out the comment form if you'd like to retain your anonymity.


  1. Great advice. I had been wondering about the blue sky question as well. Seems the sky is always blue when I'm stuck indoors at work. But on the weekends and after I get off, clouds start to form, and precipitation presents itself.

  2. Excellent advice, dear Lozzz123. I knew that metabolism was sneaking around somewhere, nasty little twerp. Now I just have to catch it and lock it up so it can't escape again.


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