Dear Teenage Lozzz123

So after enjoying both Kirsti and Gina's letters to their highschool selves, I thought I would jump on that bandwagon when I realised I had plenty to say to the teenage version of myself. How this younger me will actually get this letter however, I haven't decided. I'm either thinking time-travel phonebooth...

[via]

...or letterbox that can deliver mail to the past. 

[via]

(Highschool Lozzz123 loves Keanu Reeves, so it's only fitting that I should use the time travel movies he's been in as inspiration).

Dear Teenage Lozzz123,

Advice #2

In a previous post, I mentioned that I am now willing to give unprofessional, potentially unhelpful advice. As promised (quite some time ago actually but let's pretend I didn't take so long) I have finally come up with some answers to some of your questions. You'll be happy to know these questions are not ones I made up myself this time (though don't rule that out for the future)!

Question #1: Dear Lozzz123, You offered advice. I want advice. I am not near as cool as you and though I know I never will be, I was hoping you might inform me as to how I might earn cool points with you and everyone else in the universe, including the plants and the aliens. Please and thank you, Truly yours, With Utmost Sincerity, Uncool Ursula.

Dear Uncool Ursula: Firstly, I'd like to congratulate you on your politeness and flattery. It's always a fine start to getting in my 'good books'. Secondly, after consulting with both the plants and the aliens (once I took off my foil hat, of course) we came up with some simple tips to be more awesome and earn those coveted cool points. These tips are... 

Hold on a sec. Why should I give these tips away for free when this is clearly a lucrative opportunity? Actually, you can get some of these tips following a down payment of $149.95, and you then have the option of signing up for my extra-special coolness classes for the additional fee of $678.84 (per class). Contact me and I'll give you my bank details for a direct-debit transfer.  

Question #2: Ixy asked (without the Dear Lozzz123 but I'll let it go this time hehe...): Why is the sky only blue on weekdays when I'm inside an office building? Where oh where has my metabolism gone? How many eggs does it take to make a decent omelette (thought I'd give you an easy one there)? 

Dear Ixy, I searched the internets for an answer to the blue sky question, and I believe this answer was the best: 

As for your second question on your missing metabolism, I think I actually saw it go past me at the shops on Sunday. It tried to hide with a fake moustache, but I'm not that easily fooled. With regards to the omelette, I use 3-4 eggs for a 2-serving one (true story). 

Question #3: Dear Lozzz123, I'm stuck in a comment factory. Please give me advice about how to escape. Thanks, Oompa Commenter.

Dear Oompa Commenter: Left, right at the second fountain, hide and wait 3 minutes for the guard to pass, then left, left, straight for 30 metres, right at the roundabout, go over the wooden bridge, knock not once, not twice, but thrice at the green door (woe to the person who knocks at the blue one). Once through it's two rights, and a left. You're welcome. 

I think you'll agree that we are all greatly enriched from all that advice. Feel free to ask for more advice in the comments, or go here and fill out the comment form if you'd like to retain your anonymity.

Advice?

I pride myself on giving un-asked for, un-wanted, un-professional advice. I have no real basis for a lot of my opinions; besides the fact that I'm doing a PhD in Psychology, I have no actual clinical training. Even still, I think I'm a fairly persuasive person, so at least some people go away thinking the advice I gave was useful (whether it was or not really is an entirely different story). Though now I think of it, there was this one time my advice was voted the top answer on yahoo! answers (true story). That's got to count for something, right? 

So with that caveat, I have decided that if you would like to ask me for random advice, I am happy to tell you what I think. There is a contact page you can go to, where you can ask anonymous questions. If enough people (i.e., more than one) have questions, I will go about answering them. If not, well please join me in pretending this whole venture never occurred.

Just so you can be astonished at my advice-giving powers, I have provided some example (read: pretend) questions, so you can see my extremely wise answers.

Question #1: Dear Lozzz123, I'm extremely sad of late, because I have begun to realise that there is no way I will ever be as awesome as you. Please give me some awesome tips, or some ways to deal with not being as awesome as you. Regards, Depressed.

Dear Depressed. I'm sorry you're so unhappy, but at least you came to this realisation sooner than later. There's no reason to live in denial. With that being said, you'll be happy to know your condition is not entirely without hope. While of course, you can never be as awesome as I am (NEVER), you can try to copy me in every way. People will then at least give you credit for not only recognising my brilliance, but choosing the right person to emulate. Otherwise, I hear there's a tribe in the Amazon or somewhere which has had no outside contact, ever. They've possibly never heard of me, so you could go live with them, without fearing the constant reminders of my awesomeness.

Question #2: Dear Lozzz123, do you think I should do a PhD? Thanks, Wondering.

Dear Wondering, Yes. On the other hand, probably not. One of those.

Question #3: to lazz123 ur hott. 

Dear Anonymous, spelling and grammar can be your friends. I suggest you introduce yourself to them. (See what I did there? They didn't actually ask for advice, but I gave it anyway - and see how much I will enrich their life if they take this on board?)

So there you have it. Ask away! 


P.S. I'm may answer serious questions also.
P.P.S. Disclaimer: advice may not be useful or helpful and could potentially make your life worse. Just sayin'.